The End of an Era

Hi friends, thank you for being here. This post will likely differ greatly from the usual tone… This week has been pretty rough and I’m pretty thankful it’s almost over. I know it’s easy to assume with the election tensions and all that fun stuff, that this would be why. It’s definitely not far from my mind, but it’s not what’s been taking my focus. A metaphorical tornado has been running me down since Monday and has loaded me with thoughts, memories, and a high level of emotions. I decided to dive in and actualize the feelings I’m experiencing, hoping that this could potentially offer some relief. 

Recently, my grandparent’s house went into foreclosure- the details aren’t what’s important but I will say the mortgage company has taken ownership and people have officially been clearing it out. It was on Monday that I received the message. It’s information I’ve honestly been purposefully avoiding because of how unprepared I am to accept this truth. I’m making my best effort now, to attempt to deal with what’s happening with their home. 

It all begins with grandpa and grandma and their 12 children (I belong to #11) living in a humble home in a little town known as Raton, NM. I don’t know the entire history, but I know the house was where most of their children were raised. Their home wasn’t extravagant, or even spacious enough for all the kids, but they made do. It is my understanding that only 9 children occupied the home at one time, because of the age gap the older kids would be moved out by the time some of the younger ones were born. Grandpa was a hard worker, I remember as a child he spent a majority of his time in his yard. I believe he was a “junker” after his retirement from the local coal mine. The yard was filled with various cars, parts, and a few shops to house all of his tools. He was almost always wearing coveralls and smelled like oil. Grandma raised and cared for the children while keeping up with the housework and cooking. When I was growing up I also remember her volunteering often with the Catholic church that was just at the end of the street, and cleaning homes for a number of families in the small town. I had the honor of doing and learning a lot of things beside her as I grew. 

Their home held a great deal of significance to me, some of the best memories were made in that home. It was small and old, but well cared for, it had all the hallmarks of a true home. So warm and inviting, with a sweet smiling woman usually sitting at the table waiting to greet and feed you! The refrigerator was always stocked to satisfy the masses, and grandma absolutely enjoyed company. The more the better. Her kitchen was a frequent gathering place for us, so clean and well put together. Trinkets adorning the walls, a hutch full of gifted treasures, and the surface of the fridge was taken over by a swarm of family photos. In fact, grandma had photos of our family everywhere- the kitchen, the living room, the front room, the back room, and all 3 bedrooms. (I realize how big this makes the house sound haha but I suppose it was the way the house was built) Grandma and grandpa loved their family, all the way down to the great great grandchildren. Grandma kept a book that she used to keep up with the names and birthdays of every single person in the family <3

Over the last few days, I have been back and forth between crazy highs and crazy lows, truthfully mostly lows. It feels incredibly hard to exist in a world without my grandparents, and now it feels like I’m slowly losing relics that proved their existence. It sounds so silly to be so connected to a house. I wish I could take you back to the memories, to the days when it was bustling with family and roaring with laughter. Filled wall to wall with smiles, hugs, and lots of jokes, that home truly bonded most of us. It was our place to come together, and it was in those times that we did, that grandma’s eyes shined the brightest. My grandparents took pride in their family, and in the times we had time to visit. They taught me that those were the ultimate highlights of life. My Grammy was an only child, and I remember her telling me once- that it was for this very reason that she had so many children. She never wanted them to feel or be alone, and so they would always have each other <3

When Grampo passed, we all gathered there for the last time. I don’t even know if we all realized that we would never gather there ever again, I know it wasn’t a thought that had crossed my mind. I never considered there would come a time that this house would be empty, or not occupied by a family member. Never had I contemplated that this home my grandparents worked so hard to maintain and take care of (with frequent help from the men in the family),would be left without anyone to love it for its true value. To see it the way our family did, and how we remember it. I’m certainly not saying that no one in the family wanted it, but as most situations tend to be, this one is quite complicated. As I stated before, there are details I won’t go into. I admit I was offered the chance to take over the house and the payments. All was too little too late, by the time the offer came to me there really wasn’t anything I could do. There was so much I was unaware of (like the fact that it was already on the path to foreclosure), I didn’t have the money to pursue such an asset, and I had no intention of uprooting my life to move to Raton, NM. Having to be realistic with myself over this was difficult, my heart wanted the house, but my mind needed to rationalize everything it could. We weren’t considering a sweet trinket that I could easily hang onto and cherish forever. This was a house that was in need of repair and someone who could actively take care of it, the way it deserved to be cared for. I can’t tell you how it hurts to have to accept that I wasn’t one who could help, or be one to have the honor of taking ownership of this home… It still makes me cry if I think too much about it, so I try not to think.

I suppose this is where I use this chance to write it all out and hold onto what was most important about that place- in my opinion- that’s family. If I believe anything the most, it’s that my grandparents gave us so much, but more importantly they gave us one another. Sometimes it feels like we’ve forgotten how much those moments meant all together in those walls. Making the memories we would later keep to warm our souls when our 2 pillars would no longer hold the house together, or the family. The bittersweetness will likely linger for some time, because nothing will ever be the way it was once, and without the house that seems so absolutely final. But for me, the sweetest life ever truly got, was being surrounded by our family, having a grand feast, laughing, dancing, singing, and long tight hugs all around (we were raised very very serious huggers). Those were the days <3

<3 Miki Len

Ps. I’m wishing you all mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being in these current times. Do your best to remember what is really important to you, remember the people that are important to you. Remember that all people are important to someone…. Please be kind <3 Sending out my love