Playing in Puddles

They say healing is not linear, and my journey has been proof. There are places in my life where her (ex wife) influence is still felt, how those memories and traumas impact the way I move in life… Some thoughts I had today as I examined my prospects and thoughts on dating, and how it is clear to me that I still haven’t reached that place where I was once a brave soul. Ready to indulge in the excitement of a new love…


I only play in shallow water…
I’m still not ready to dive back into the ocean.
I don’t trust my ability to handle the rush
of being pulled under while the tides wash over.
You see, I loved the sea, the force of the draw
The persuasion of the waves,
The way the depths would grip me tighter
As I sank further down.
I lived for the exhilaration
For the pressure in my lungs
As my breath was stolen away
Completely overcome in the influence
Of the natural ebb and flow
Pulling me close, and pushing me away
Feeling surrounded,
embraced, and euphoric in this environment
I once vowed I would wade in this ocean forever
But I was washed away, left gasping for air,
Fighting desperately to reach the surface
I had drown in her “love”
Was suffocated & left for dead….
I’ve sworn off the ocean,
For I’m still so petrified of its consequences
So I play in puddles
Where I can reach the bottom,
Where only I can create a tide
And I know I’m still alive because
I can keep an eye on my reflection
I’m easily in & easily out
I’ll play long enough to get wet,
But won’t linger long enough
For these puddles to grow deeper….
Though I still am in love with the ocean
This I won’t deny
I won’t be ready to dive for quite some time…