Ain’t Nothing Quite as Beautiful as Music Pt. 2

Happy Blog day! Thank you for returning for the second half of my tribute post to music <3

Last week’s entry was rushed, scattered, and I hadn’t bothered to draft out a single idea before 11am that same day. The post wasn’t my favorite at first, but before I was finished writing, I felt a tangent coming on and I knew I needed to split up the story and write a sequel. So, let’s get back to it. 

The year is 2004, I’m 15 years old and living in Pueblo, CO. At the time, I was divided between family, church and kicking it with my bestie, Krissy. This same year I would find my way into the local music scene via my best friend’s brother who joined a band formerly known as Son of Man. Kris and I would tag along to gigs in the beginning to show support, but wound up having so much fun going to shows that we started attending the shows of other bands as well. I was totally attracted to the atmosphere and the people, it didn’t take much before shows were all that I cared about. Normally I would spend a lot of time at home (homeschooling), with or at the church 4-5x a week, but that quickly changed to attending at least one show per week and hanging out at various practice houses. Most of the shows I attended were in this grungy little bar on Cst. affectionately known as Phil’s Radiator, and a majority of the time it was the only place I wanted to be. Among this community there seemed to be an unspoken respect and bond between most of the musicians, and the fans were every bit a part of the scene’s camaraderie. Just about every person I encountered met me with open arms, literally and in very little time became like my pseudo family and Phil’s my pseudo home. The experiences made up for so much that was lacking in my home life. My family fortress was slowly (and completely unbeknownst to me) crumbling, and church was a place that made me strongly dislike myself (my true self). I couldn’t manage to fix the problems I saw at home, and in this community I would find my ultimate escape. I would anticipate the days I knew I could find my place right next to the speaker stacks, where I would feel the frequencies move right through me and completely throughout me. This was my equivalent to therapy.

Music was everything. I didn’t know a whole lot about genres or underground music at the time, but this definitely expanded my music taste. Aside from the various styles, talent and culture of the music, the creators were the greatest draw to this new world. Knowing and growing close to artists of this realm gave me a lot of new perspective that would greatly benefit me through the years. I developed a number of relationships that encouraged a lot of growth in my world and offered opportunities to reshape my views and even develop my own. I was encouraged to be myself and through that was shown all the reasons I had to love myself. Things that had once been labeled as flaws or “mistakes” were unique parts of my character which were mostly embraced. Some of the deepest connections in my life at this point were made in this community, and to this day I am fortunate to maintain a majority of these connections to some degree. Meeting people who were so free thinking, imaginative, and bravely creative helped my eyes adjust the focuses I had. In a totally unorthodox way, shows became my new “church”.

In 2006, I started frequently hanging out with a new and dear friend, April. Her and I met through shows and I’d say I saw her at just about everyone I attended. Our friendship would continue to revolve entirely around music, and she had an incredibly vast and unique taste. I could definitely say the same for the kind of people that would enter my world through her, they would be a major constant in another major world shift. I had just turned 17 and life was a bit of a shit show lol but sort of a fun shit show. On one side, my family life had completely decayed, life was generally unstable all around, and I no longer lived at home. On the opposite side, I had a new family of people known as The Oasis (because we were friends in low places <3), frequent gatherings around a keg, and 2 new friends who let me occupy their couch for a number of months. Waking up was tough. Everyday offered new heartbreak, loads of unstoppable tears, and the necessary beers to wash the blues away. I hated that everything had fallen apart at home, but I couldn’t change a thing about it. In this time I had lost everything I knew, I was somehow blessed with so much support and love from people who had only recently entered my life. They all meant so much to me. I would meet and lose a very dear soul that year… all of The Oasis felt that loss, and nothing has ever returned to how it was since. I wouldn’t be who I am had I not encountered Zach at this time in my life. 2006 was loaded with loss, trials at each turn, and the constant testing at the foundation of who I was. Life had totally leveled me out and left me with very little… but I still had friends and I had music, and I clung desperately to them.

I tell you about April, Zach, and The Oasis because these very instances are what led me to underground Hip Hop- specifically RhymeSayers, and even more specifically- Atmosphere. I didn’t listen to much Hip Hop, but in the rare instances I preferred more ol school Hip Hop in comparison to the junk on the radio (still a true statement). Sean (Slug) wrote his songs in a way that reached into my soul and resonated with my internal spiritual and emotional roller coaster. When life felt so fucking hopeless, here was an artist that made music that exposed the struggle and wrote shamelessly about that aspect of life. Atmosphere made albums that were the soundtracks to my life! Each song loaded with the memories of the times when everything around me was so weighed down by struggle. When our friend died, Hip Hop comforted our hearts with those memories, and my love for the genre only continued to grow. I won’t ever, as long as I live forget my first and only Atmosphere concert, I went with my friend April. After a series of Myspace messages, at the show Slug dedicated our favorite song to our late friend. In that moment my heart was so full of love and respect for this artist <3

What I loved most about Hip Hop was the true poetic flow present in many of the works that I begin to find in the underground culture. I was introduced to so many artists with the ability to craft words with such emotion and skill, I would never see mainstream music the same again. I was officially a music snob hahaha. There wasn’t anymore room for half assed music with crap lyrics and whack beats. The Hip Hop I particularly loved brought me elightmentment…. The ultimate SaviorSelf spirit of this remarkable artist- The original writer of the title to my last 2 posts… Let me tell you a bit about Michael “Eyedea” Larsen.

In 2006 I first heard Eyedea and Abilities along with the other RSE artists I had been shown, but to this day I swear that I wasn’t mentally in the right place to receive the intended messages. I had always found the music enjoyable and skillful, I loved E&A from the moment I first heard them, but something wasn’t sticking.  2009 ends up being the continuation of the previous Shit Show- intensified. Life was stagnant chaos and reality was much too harsh to consume on the daily. Drugs had been in my family life for a number of years and slowly taking everything I loved away from me. Seeing the people I loved was like seeing ghosts, familiar faces, but no one I knew anymore. I had recently returned to Pueblo from a short (failed) stint in Albuquerque, back at an old job that I hated, and I was living with my ghost family. Outsiders were quick to judge my loved ones, friends became consumed with work, and I was slowly losing the battles in my mind. Emotion ruled everything, art could only distract me so much, and I had no direction or desire for much. Feeling lost wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, but this had certainly reached a new low, and in times before I had people to relate to and inspire a new mindset… I was pretty alone. Or so I thought. One night I dug into my CD collection and popped in a burned mix of E&A that a friend had made for me. I remember a line suddenly surfaced above my mind chatter, “I found myself falling to madness, so I dove. The best thing I ever did was let go”. I can’t tell you how that all very suddenly and profoundly made sense to me. Like I was hearing it for the first time. It wasn’t the first time, but something about this moment hit differently. I went down a rabbit hole, watching every video I could find, ordered every CD Mikey had been on, and indulged obsessively the entire year leading up to his passing. I told anyone who would about his recent impact on my life like it was some new found religion, I was changed. 

I’ve felt emotional about the passing of a celeb before, but Mikey’s death was a whole different feeling. My heart was shattered. After years of overlooking the beauty in his raw mind and the art that flowed from his thought process… he was just, gone? The music he made was monumental to my psyche, the perception he spoke from gave me so much peace. His light shined in the dark corners and found me, and helped mirror back the truth of who I was and validated the pain I felt in simply existing. Mikey revealed to me the capabilities of the mind and the will to create the world around me, to choose the narrative. He didn’t wear the blinders that society is indoctrinated with. He subscribed to his own philosophies in life, carved a new path and left it behind for the mindful thinkers like himself. 

I still listen to Mikey on bad days, days when my mind has left me in a rut of unhealthy thought patterns. I just plug in my playlist, put my headphones on, and find myself falling to madness. The best thing I ever did, was let go. When life looks the way it has through my eyes, I can very honestly say..

Ain’t Nothing Quite as Beautiful as Music<3

<3 Miki Len

In dedication to Zach and Mike (RIP)