An Open Love Letter to Mr. Sweet Face <3

Dearest Carlos,

I never imagined we would actually reach this chapter, yet here we are, but before this era of “us” is concluded, I want to take a minute to reflect. We both know I’m a sucker for a good story, especially a romantic one. So buckle up, love. 

It all started with a smile. The first time you walked into the Gagliardi’s kitchen, the lights were somehow brighter that day. Tall, dark, and mighty handsome, but that flawless smile stole the show. I immediately needed to make your acquaintance, there was just something about your aura that I wanted to be near. Kind eyes, wide smile, and a soft voice, it was instantaneous that I became infatuated with every moment I would get to see you. First were small “hello’s” and “how are yous?” that would eventually lead to small talk in the walk-in while we each gathered our supplies. I learned little details about you in passing, and even asked our chef nonchalant questions hoping to fill in the blanks. My curiosity had been stricken, and due to my recent past relationship and a more recent single streak, that really said something. Work kept me from crossing professional lines in the beginning even though we worked in separate establishments, I still didn’t want to muddy the waters… at first. But there was no way I could deny how giddy I would get hearing the doorbell in the back or the sound of your voice echoing through the kitchen. It made my day to have any interaction with you, and when you began searching the kitchen, seeking me out to simply say hello. I had to admit something had me obviously smitten.

Then came that fateful day I found you in the walk-in, I was excited as per usual, until we spoke. Your voice broke, and this time you didn’t turn toward me when you responded. You kept your head down and kept gathering your supplies. A somber energy surrounded you and though we weren’t close, I was consumed with the urge to comfort you. Instead, I felt uncomfortable with this urge and wrapped up our small talk and ran out. I remember running back to the prep area to write my number down with a note on some paper, but by the time I returned to the walk-in you were gone. Thank goodness for Lacey, there really is no better bestie haha Taking my number to you at the Marketplace was the spark to it all. I still remember the way my face cracked in half and my heart did summer salts when I received the very first text from you. It’s all still magical in my mind. Our first hang at your apt while you cooked spicy rice and shrimp, the time you baked me pie, the first time you met Frida…. And the climatic build of it all, the sweet slow progression of getting to know this kind, goofy, bashful new person. The way it was all so playfully uncertain while electrically magnetic is still something I will always appreciate. For the first time since I was an adolescent, things took time. When our hands finally touched for the first time, I felt a literal charge, and when we had our first kiss, the Universe actually birthed new nebulas. Suddenly, all was certain within me, the way we connected and how whimsical our time together always happened to be, we just fit. Your presence was truly a wonderful new delight and addition to my life. Being asked to be your girlfriend still rates as one of my favorite moments. 

The more I found out about you, the more there was to admire. The newly sober life, the new location, friends, and hobbies! Your ability to make such grand changes and be undeniably committed to a better life told me so much about your character, I still have so much respect for the growth you’ve shown on this journey. Both before and after I met you. I found myself looking at you through inspired eyes quite often. You have this zest for life, so brave, friendly, and still beautifully malleable. I knew there was much I could learn from your world view, I could use a more optimistic lens. Throughout our time together these things would prove to help us navigate through a very new arena in the relationship realm. You and I both had a past with really unhealthy partnerships and thankfully neither of us were committed to repeating old habits. It was rough at first, and I suppose it was rough each time we had to have tense chats, but the evolution of our communication and resolution grew apparent. Even better was how we would recuperate afterwards, feeling more fortified and aligned. We developed a greater emotional intelligence through that connection and grew closer than I’ve ever been with a partner. Among all the things I’ve loved about you, it’s always been your tender spirit that stood paramount. Hyper/toxic masculinity isn’t who you are, but rather, a divine masculine seems to peek and shine through when the environment seems safe. The strength in your vulnerability and softness is unfortunately unique, and painfully rare, and I knew so well how much of a gem your soul was early on. Especially in moments of intention, your energy was the most healing force my nervous system has ever experienced. The safety that presence provided is unmatched, and something I am thankful to have felt in my life, and in this timeline of existence. 

Our adventures will stay like photographs in an album, locked away in my memory for eternity. Our lil evening trips to the lake, drives through the mountains, soothing dips in hot springs, city day trips, and our getaway to New Orleans. Each time we packed up and set out together filled me with such unbridled joy. Sitting beside you while we drive, listening/singing to music together, having curious conversations, stopping for snacks, stretches, and driver swaps. Being beside you felt so easy, not forced, rehearsed, or uncomfortable… simply right. It was like being next to my best friend in the whole entire world while exploring our little corner of it, hand in hand, and that’s exactly what we were. The sites, sounds, smells, feelings… they often resembled bliss, and sharing that with you added to the elation of each moment. There’s a lot I’d give to taste some of those moments just one more time.  

There came times that my mental space had returned to traumatic patterns and reactions. Depression and anxiety loomed while I slipped into auto pilot to do my best to survive the external world while masking the internal world. Sometimes those efforts failed, and I was met with the unfinished work I needed to do to heal these old wounds. I know our connection suffered a lot during these times, and you did your best to stick through it with me. Toward the end it was the simplest and greatest of things that meant the world. Like seeing your face enter the kitchen at The Hive to saved me when I was drowning in tickets, swamped with prep, emotionally exhausted, or a beautiful cocktail of the 3. You gave all your best efforts to assist and improve the situations I was handed at work and also the anchor in my personal life. I appreciate in those really dark times that you always gave it your best. Our lives began to change through this phase, our connection remained, but we moved in opposite fashions. I journeyed inward while you needed to expand. Often our conversations led to talking about the future, and what each of us saw, but every time that conversation was had we found ourselves looking in entirely different directions. I couldn’t help but feel hurt/sad knowing that it wasn’t a life with me that you saw, and each time this conversation was had I felt myself come closer to the proper realization, one day I would have to let you go.

I’ve known for a while that you weren’t mine to keep, we’ve both known we were pushing against all of the odds believing our love would see us through. That somehow, magically, this forked road would mystically merge into a single path we could continue to journey until death took us from the other’s side. And boy, did we really try. We tried to strengthen and grow our love big enough to conquer it all, and for the most part, we truly did quite well. We grew so much in love, that we have concentrated that love down to the undeniable truth- that this love must now perform its ultimate and final act- sacrifice. Releasing you feels crazy and unnecessary to my heart, my body, and my mind, but deep down I know we won’t ever get past that polarized conversation, and it makes no sense to beat the dead horse until we break down into resenting each other. I think it might actually hurt worse to let go of someone you have no interest in leaving, but the pain of knowing that fighting to stay with me is keeping you from living a fuller life is something I just I can’t endure. While also acknowledging and honoring that it would be foolish of me to trade my own dreams to keep pretending this will take us somewhere that we both want to be. We both deserve that chance to have what we want in this life, and I sure hope it turns out to be all that you dream of and more that awaits you in your future. 

Loving you will never be seen as a waste, in fact it was much needed. Upon meeting, this heart had been closed to any idea of loving another for a while still, but the Universe knew I needed something different, something refreshing and rejuvenating. You came into my life, shook up my world, and gave me a safe place to be a lover, and gave me the gift of receiving your love as well. All of this is invaluable to me, the good and bad transmuted into lessons; the ways I will expect to be treated by a future partner, the qualities and morals I require them to have, the boundaries and agreements we hold, the respect and reciprocity we exercise, and above all, healthy, compassionate, and effective communication. Through this time I’ve spent loving you, I know that love is a language I have become more fluent in, and not only love, but also respect, admiration, support, integrity, and a deeper emotional intelligence. These are things I wouldn’t have been capable of improving without a partner like you and a relationship like the one we shared. If I could change one thing, it would only be how much this hurts…. But I remind myself why we’re in this position in the first place, and I remember the beauty that can arise from such pain.

Admittedly, my heart is quite broken that this love story couldn’t be ours forever, but I sit with it, heart split wide open while I flip through these pages of our story. Tears fall and magnify the highlights of this time we chose to be lovers, partners, and friends. I will miss the life and family we shared, there was an abundance of love and happiness in our home more than anything else. Frida and I enjoyed our home and family with you and Hachi (grandpa), you’re quite the pug dad. Even through this great sadness, I’m hopeful for each of us as we move forward, and I will love you well through eternity for all you have meant to me in this life. You’re a kind and thoughtful soul, and when paired with intention, you are a beautiful embodiment of divine masculinity. I pray for your continued growth, wisdom, and discovery on your path. I hope we are blessed enough to remain in healthy connection as we grow apart. My heart bows to you, and thanks you for this unforgettable love.

I love you indefinitely, 

Mikayla L. Castillo