Angels Exist [I’ve Even Seen Some Sleep]

Hello, hello! Here we are again after a long stint away. I’ve resigned to the fact that this just seems to be the ebb and the flow, and now it’s time to let it flow… So here we go 🙂

I’m gonna tell you a story that started about 16 years ago. I was 17 years old and my world would be flipped around every which direction, but amidst the chaos I would be gifted the presence of a soul who would change the course of my life. 

We met the day after my 17th birthday, and on February 4th I would forever remember the sweet handsome face that greeted my drunkenness in a bathroom for the very first time. It was at a house party, later in the evening and I was already past my limit and sick (but well taken care of by friends). He arrived with our good friend April, and I can remember him peeking his head in and shouting “Happy Birthday! Cheers!!! I hope you feel better!” at me. I looked up long enough to thank him and get his name and then I returned to purging. His name was Zach. Zachary Lawrence Sanchez…. and it wouldn’t be long before we would end up meeting again. 

Our next meeting would bond us in a very deep way, and at that age I had never experienced that kind of connection to someone I’d only just met. I was with our bestie, April, at the coffee shop she worked at downtown, when he and another buddy strolled in. Business was pretty dead that day, so we opted to play some of the board games… but in our own way hahaha. We played Scrabble and Life and applied the ghetto lifestyle spin to these games. We had a ridiculous amount of fun for a few hours and decided we should continue at Zach and Carl’s apartment once April’s shift was over. After work, she and I headed to the apartment to have a few beers and hang out with some friends. I met a number of new people that night, and got along quite well with everyone, especially the particularly handsome new friend. I would crash there for the night beside him, and in the morning I would truly meet this new soul in my world in a way that would spark my adoration for his existence. We lied there and talked about the important things in our lives. Our upbringings, our passions, and even special relationships we had with our younger siblings. I loved the way the conversation just flowed and how comfortable it felt to just open up and talk about the sweeter things. This vulnerability was cozy, and so were his arms. 

It would only be 2 weeks after meeting him that my entire world would come crashing down, but before I get into that disaster… Hanging out with April and her friends had become a regular part of my week. In fact we would gather together multiple times down in a basement of a friend’s house and throw keggers with a pretty big crowd of regulars.We called this place The Oasis. It wouldn’t take long at all before these people would become like family to me, rather they felt like family immediately as I was always welcomed with such warm hugs and bright smiles. I loved these people, from the moment I met them I knew these bonds would be special, and I wasn’t the least bit wrong. As I spent my time with them more frequently, my home life was falling apart. I know that resorting to drinking as often as I was, had a direct relation to the problems I was faced with at home. I stayed away as much as possible until I just couldn’t run from facing it anymore. To keep it light, there were issues that would require serious action and I had no idea which way to turn. I wasn’t capable of solving these problems, as they were not mine, but I would do my best to keep myself from falling into the chaos. I left home shortly after my 17th birthday, and I had no real plan whatsoever. All I knew was I couldn’t endure living at home any longer if I wanted to hang onto my sanity. April and Zach helped me get what I needed from home and get me our friends for the night. I said goodbye to my youngest sister and slipped out with a duffle bag with a month’s worth of clothes and a heart heavier than I’d ever known. I stayed at The Oasis for 2 nights before I was offered a place at Zach and Carl’s, and because I found such comfort in being with Zach, I accepted. I’m sure he had no idea what he would be getting himself into, but I’m so thankful I had him around during this time. 

I had always relied heavily on the “stability” of my immediate family, though relationships and circumstances weren’t perfect, my family was everything to me. Life had brought us many hardships and regardless of what came our way, we would always bond together and get through.  This was different though, life had presented us with a challenge that would tear our unit apart, and I wasn’t handling that well at all.  Each morning away from home,I’d wake up and instantly begin to weep, literally nothing seemed to make any sense anymore, and I felt utterly helpless and hopeless, which sadly wasn’t a new feeling… just a much stronger one. All I wanted was my life back, my family back, I wanted to go home, but I just couldn’t with how things were, and that tore me up on the daily. Zachary was wonderful about this. We slept on couches opposite of each other in the living room, and after the first few mornings of me breaking down, he would wake and automatically come over, cuddle up and hold me while I collected myself. Even back then, I used to find it rather peculiar that someone I had only met just 2 weeks prior, would so willingly offer such comfort and compassion. Having him around soothed that pain just enough to help me get on with each day and continue to hope that things would improve eventually. At that time, I needed that ability to hope more than I realized. I would still succumb to partying often, and admittedly I did all I could to numb away the pain that remained in that basement full of my favorite people. As curious as it would seem to say, I needed those times just as much… they’re some of the best memories I still hang onto. Sort of like some silver lining in my storm. Being there we found there were still reasons to smile and spread love, even while the darkness raged around us. I’ll tell more stories about that family friend unit in the near future… because there’s all sorts of wonderful memories to share from that time in my life.

My connection to this soul would defy everything I thought I knew about relationships. While we weren’t dating, our relationship was unique, affectionate and intimate in various ways. And because I had found so much comfort in his atmosphere, my young heart would swoon over this being in a very intense way. There were many layers to our coexistence, and at its deepest form it was a security that we found in one another that made our bond so pure. We would go on as roommates and close friends for only a few months before he would move from Colorado to Texas. The day he left was a punch in the gut… it was a day we didn’t have much time to prepare for, and it would arrive quicker than we could imagine. In the days before, we were quiet, there was a thick energy in the air and neither of us could handle it. The Oasis family gathered in our usual basement to say our goodbyes, and each of us wore matching shirts with his face on them as a surprise. In return he was given a custom T shirt with all our faces on it to take with him to Texas (which he adored very much). There were lots of hugs, laughter, and tears. We knew our group wouldn’t be the same without him, and most of us already felt the weight of the void his absence would leave. The night would go on and we would leave The Oasis to stop at one more place before going home. We rode in his car in silence with the music playing loudly to drown out the thoughts swirling in our minds. I can remember the look in his eyes that night as he drove to the complex. I remember putting my hand in his, wishing I could somehow make him feel better, and the feeling of his fingers laced through mine. He said he didn’t want to stop at our friend’s anymore. As his eyes welled up, his grip on my hand tightened and we went on home. I hugged him close as we sat on the couch. We talked about how much he wished he could stay, the people he would miss, and the people he wanted me to stay extra close to. He cared so much about everyone at home, but knew he had to go. Seeing and feeling his hurt through it all was awful… but I just held him closer as he cried. Later that night we cuddled up on the couch and cracked jokes at each other to lighten the mood the best we could before he had to leave the next morning. The morning came so fast, and by 6 am he would be out the door and on his way to catch a plane. I held him tight as long as I could and tried not to blubber my way through our goodbyes, but as soon as that door closed, my eyes poured for hours. 

I moved out of the apartment that same day and would stay with a series of friends for months until I got my own job and apartment. We would keep in touch here and there through Myspace and a few phone conversations, but it never felt like enough for me. Missing him was hard, and it was hardest considering the trials that endured in his absence, when I had grown so used to his comfort. Our friend circle wouldn’t get together like we used to once he’d gone away, and some of us would drift apart. Life was different without him around, for all of us… and it would only prove to be truer after August 18th 2006. 

While living with his mother in Texas, Zachary’s life would be taken in a horrible car accident. The news would shake all of us to the core… We received word in the wee hours of the morning, and as each person was informed, our group rallied together to meet at his best friend Derek’s house to break the news to him. I can remember well over a dozen of us spread out in Derek’s front yard, hearts sunken, feelings of confusion, and an overwhelming sadness lingered among us. Already, his presence had been severely missed, and now we would live with that feeling until the end. The rest of that night was a blur, actually for a long time after that things were hazy. The last thing I can remember is being wrapped up, sitting on the lawn, in the blanket he had accidentally left behind. It was his favorite blanket, one his grandmother had knitted just for him. I still have this blanket and his pillow, and I still use them to wrap up in when I need him <3

For me, the deep wounds of this sadness were odd to actualize. Here was this young man I had only met 6 and a half months ago, yet the quality of the time we had spent together equated to so much more than that. My heart was broken entirely, for I loved this being in a whole different way, and felt a unique and rare love in return. A big part of me still needed him so much, but as time has gone on, I have grown to feel privileged to have crossed paths with this soul. He held me together when I needed to feel whole, he made me belly laugh through my tears, and he reminded me of what it felt like to enjoy the more important things in my life… through all circumstances. I’ll be the first to say, that I never did get to fall out of love with that beautiful soul, his journey here ended before anything ever had the chance to change that. And though loving and remembering a dead man so unabashedly has seemed to cause some curious issues in my life, I wouldn’t and won’t change it for anything. I’m well aware that the time and love I shared with this being was divine in its own right, and as wild as the story is, it isn’t meant for everyone to understand. My heart knows though, and my spirit does as well. I met an angel in 2006. I experienced a sacred meeting of souls, who became friends with a bond that would remain through any realm, as that love was as pure as they come.  I was so truly fortunate to have been blessed with that love from the Universe, and anyone who was close to him would tell you the exact same thing <3