Gratitude and Mile Markers

Well hello out there 🙂 Sure has been a while, much longer than I had hoped (which seems to happen a lot) but here we are, and I feel quite happy to pop in and drop a little note of gratitude. I’ve had these thoughts swimming around for the last few months, and I wanted to take some time to document them. Life has been a whirlwind, but one that seems to be putting everything properly in its place, and everyday I find myself in my feels over this perfect storm. Many blessings have completely enveloped my life and the path that I am on, and I finally have the motivation to share. 

On August 22nd my Pa and Mama Sheila arrived in Dripping Springs, TX to haul me and a trailer of my belongings back to New Mexico. I had spent several months with 2 dear friends in Dripping Springs while I tried to figure out my next steps. I was so very lucky to have had them and the farm that they lived on to get my mind and spirit right. Opening their lives and home to me was everything I needed at that time to prepare me for the road that would lie ahead. I believe the Universe gave me them, right on time <3  When the time came, and my spirit felt ready to move back home, my Pa and Mama She wasted no time to get to me, help me load everything I had accumulated over 8 years, and tow it home. After many hours on the road and a night in Lubbock, we arrived at my new/old home in small town New Mexico. I hadn’t lived here in those 8 years I previously mentioned, and the last time I was here I was with my grandparents (who are no longer with me in this realm). It was a rough dose of reality to gulp down at first, but alas I knew it was time to move on and get started on the life that has always been destined to be mine. A lot of tears were shed driving out of Texas for the last time. It was the life that I had grown attached and accustomed to for so long. A life I vowed to walk alongside my wife until death, or until we moved elsewhere. An abundance of memories will always remain in my heart and a love for the souls that I had the chance to cross paths with in that time. Overall the bittersweetness felt intense, this became a true effort to turn the page and pursue the end of that story. A story I will properly end at another point, but I’ll keep that for another entry. 

Returning home had a number of effects on me, it all would depend on the day whether I was flying high, or feeling heavy. Life has never been such a damn rollercoaster, and if you know anything about my life, you know that’s a freaking crazy statement to make ha!! I seriously mean it though. The highs of the heights, and the depths of the lows… their extremes are far more accentuated this go around, much more than anytime I’ve known. I might be going crazy, but I think I’m starting to prefer it this way, for right now anyway. There’s no denying that this seems to be just what I need, and either way, I can tell I’m still on the tracks. That’s good enough for me in this moment, I can ride out these twists and turns, soars and plummets until it’s onto the next ride. I’m finding the ability to breathe in the highs, take in the sights, and embrace the adrenaline of rushing into the unknown. I will say, no matter how tough they have been, the lows have proven their value as well. As much as I would prefer to spend no more time crying ever again, I remind myself to take the time to be present with my feelings. The lessons they offer me and the way they humble my spirit is what brings me to feeling this level of gratitude. I’m thankful I had a place to still call home when my “home” disintegrated. That I was fortunate enough to have family willing and able to drop everything to bring me back home, and help me in other grand ways. The thought overwhelms my heart each and every time, I couldn’t be making these moves and these levels of growth would be impossible without them. It is not beyond me that I’m so very blessed under these circumstances, and I will likely spend my life doing all I can to appreciate them in every way possible .  

A new start was absolutely terrifying in the beginning. Where would I even start to pick up the pieces? It had been 8 years since I had done much of anything on my own, but I knew deep down that I had stood on these feet before and I would again… with some practice… and baby steps, because… anxiety haha. The amount of understanding and support in my corner was everything I needed to lift me out of the trenches of my anxious and depressive states. I struggled moving through them, anything and everything felt like too much. The simplest of things were overwhelming, and even though I felt like I couldn’t, I knew I had to take some pretty big steps. 

So I started by getting a job, the first real job that I’ve had since I moved to TX. Sounds a bit stupid saying it, but I was a bit freaked out at first. Thankfully I knew some people and a place with availability in their kitchen. For me, a kitchen has always been one of my favorite places to work for many reasons, and since I’d always been so fond of that type of work I knew I would slip into the swing of things with some ease. Working gave me something I HAD to do, put a monopoly on my free time (which oddly sparks my need to create), and put money in my pocket (so I can buy more art stuff)! I cook and wash dishes, and I pretty much love every minute of it honestly. Having taken this step and reaping the different benefits it’s had so far, makes me wish I hadn’t gone so long without a job. Having this job gives me such a sense of accomplishment, and my coworkers are mostly pretty helpful and make me feel appreciated 🙂 It helps a lot that I have a very friendly staff of coworkers in the front and back of the restaurant. It makes work quite painless and enjoyable most of the time, I hope it can remain this way. 

So in a matter of 2 months and a week, I’ve managed to accomplish a number of things that make me feel a bit proud of myself and how far I’ve come in this time. With having my first job (in a while), came my first paycheck (in a while), which meant I needed to open my own bank account (woowoo!). My Pa gave me my first square body truck (1980 GMC Sierra Grande whom I affectionately call Reba), which meant I had to get my license back (after 11 years… stupid ticket). So now I have and love my job, make money, have a bank account, got my license back and my big ol sexy red cherry on top is my Reba <3 Whom I love taking lil joy rides in at night after work <3 And taking for camp outs out on the property, while I happily freeze under the stars in her bed <3 All the pieces are starting to align where they fit, and life has been awfully fulfilling <3

An extra little bonus! To start, I have a few paintings hanging up at one of my favorite bars in town (Gate City Craft Bar), and a plan to get some more work out and around here 🙂 But I’m doing my best not to put too much pressure on my creativity at the moment, because right now it’s been enjoyable. Since the beginning of 2021 I haven’t had the motivation and at times didn’t even have much access to all of my art belongings, and getting to dabble when the inspiration hits has been euphoric. Spending time playing and experimenting with different things has been so good for this soul. I do have plans at some point to get some work finalized and put up for sale, but I’ll admit that I am in no real hurry right now. Not being in a rush or trying to meet deadlines has kept my creativity at a decent and steady flow… I wanna learn to ride that current without obstructing or slowing it down… but I can say I’ve been working on a lot. 

I’m just so thankful for all that I’ve been given this year, whether it’s been something of physical necessity or even a smile, it’s given me a nod of encouragement to keep moving in this direction. I still have pretty bad/sad days, but I have so many more days that are better than good. I can’t imagine how anyone gets thru divorce in tact, but I’m learning that’s really the point of it all. To break apart completely, disconnect from that which is not of me, recollect myself, put myself back together (with the help of my loved ones), polish myself up, and love and appreciate me for me…  

This feels like a good place to end. 

For anyone who still comes here to read my rambles, I just want to say thanks for always being there to read my rants, and I love you fam <3 

Hope all is well out there

<3 

Miki Len

Aka

Mikayla Castillo