Life’s Rearranged
Hello out there! I hope all is well in the cyberverse, and with whoever manages to find their way here. I’ve been gone for a while, a lot longer than I had anticipated, but the time away was imperative for many reasons. Since my last entry nothing is at all the same, not even me, myself.
2021 has proven to be quite the ride thus far, and since my last entry a great deal of change, trauma, and growth has occurred in my microcosm. In February, I was in Texas to experience one of the worst snow/ice storms this Colorado\NewMexico girl has ever survived. In the first week of March my marriage ended abruptly and quite brutally, and shortly after that my great grandmother made her journey to the afterlife. With enduring the TX winter storm, my marriage ending, and the passing of my family’s matriarch, I was forced to face and properly deal with the ongoing struggles I’ve had with depression and anxiety. I was in a position that I could no longer bare to go on as I was, and the pain I felt internally left me bed ridden for weeks. The only way out of the suffering I endured and perpetuated, was to start digging and start the healing process.
When my great grandmother passed no time was wasted getting home to my family. In a little over 48 hours I was in New Mexico with my loved ones, right where I needed to be. It had only been 3 weeks since the split from my wife, my life in Austin was in disarray, my heart was wrecked, my mind perplexed, and my body was hanging on by a thread. Being home was hard at first, I was emotionally unstable, my mind never quit obsessing, and my heart wanted what was no longer meant for it. I spent a lot of time alone initially, I had to refocus on how to do the simplest of things. It required my full intent and focus to make sure I ate, drank water, and slept. I filled any spare time with self help books and time playing my brother’s guitar, anything to keep from letting my mind spiral. I’d lost so much hope in love and life, and if my marriage couldn’t be fixed… what would I live for??
Day by day I came out of my isolation, and with each day I surrounded myself with my wonderfully loving family. I received a lot of healing through time, conversations, laughs, and music. Their love and understanding gave me the safe places I needed to come undone, admit my confusing embarrassment, and be vulnerable through this troubled time. My heart filled little by little through these interactions I was gifted with while being with my family. My strength increased as well, I begin to feel myself come up for air after feeling so disassociated from reality. They pulled me up to the surface, embraced me, and gave my mind, spirit, and heart so much love and rest. During my trip home I also got the chance to link up with a lot of old friends from my home town in Pueblo Co. I spent a week there with a friend, eating my feelings, crying like a baby, and enjoying the company of people I haven’t had the pleasure of being around in almost a decade. Friends truly are such a special experience some times. In the matter of that week, people whom I have connected with deeply, and who have known me for ages were so instrumental in my healing process. Sometimes when one is bombarded with so many troubling situations (and even more so a loss of a major life pillar) loss of identity can occur, and that was definitely what I was experiencing. Seeing these friends, and sharing my heart with them, helped me realize how some of the truest parts of ourselves are often left with those we know through our experiences. Who you ARE, or the impression of who you are is left embedded in their memories, and to them you are [in essence] who you have always been…. (well if you have no trouble being your authentic self around them). While I couldn’t even remember who I was, or why I had reason to exist, these souls who know me and see me beneath it all, were the mirrors that reminded me of what all lies within. With each interaction (planned or surprise), each smile, and each deep hug, I was beginning to feel more wholesome, and more myself. They held the peices I’d been missing for so long and were filling in the empty spaces <3
My trip was only supposed to be until my grandmother was buried, and then I would return to finish packing and make my decision on where I would go next. It took 2 weeks for my grandmother to be returned to her home state and laid to rest, and overall I spent 6 weeks in the NM/CO area because I couldn’t return to Texas on account of COVID. I really only had one option in the beginning of the split, and truthfully I didn’t know how I would emotionally and mentally endure going back to Raton NM, but there wasn’t any way I could endure staying in our apartment where I was either. By the time I had left my family in NM/CO, the universe had widened my scope and opened many paths to choose from. At the time I still believed and was committed to the idea that I could find a way to save what was left of my marriage. So I moved with some dear friends to a farm out in Dripping Springs, TX.
I‘ve been out here since the end of May, and have been so very grateful for this chance to reset, regroup, and refocus. I’ve loved every minute of my time here, and the things I get to spend my time doing around the farm, bring me a sense of purpose and solitude. Not to mention the friends who have so graciously taken me in and taken me under their wings, they have far exceeded my expectations in every way. I’m yet again blessed beyond all comprehension.
My mornings start early cuddling with a sweet kitty named Lola. Then off to the patio for meditation and yoga with the company of my favorite rooster Cornelius and a stray peacock we call Peabody. A few weeks back I started feeding the chicken and pheasant stalls after my morning stretching routine and have requested to keep that chore because of how much I love it 🙂 Once they’re fed, I make my way to the shop to make bird toys with my friend Chyla who runs her own business. Some days I do house chores and other little things with Mama Georgia, and some days I’m left to my own devices hahaha. I’ve learned a lot about things around here, and a lot about myself in the process. Thankfully I’ve also been given the freedom to be as I need to be, however that may be depending on the day. I’ve had the chance to really do some work internally, find my balance mentally and emotionally, and find myself again spiritually. With this time I’ve been able to reflect and heal in all the ways that I need in order to open a new chapter and take a new path. I feel confident in my dreams and in my ability to work to manifest them into my reality. It’s really been a retreat for my whole being, one that I don’t take lightly in the slightest. I’ll be ready when the next step comes, and I have already set my scopes on my next destination.
Going back to Raton seemed like going backwards in the early phases of my transition, I had so much unresolved within myself that I couldn’t fathom what I would encounter going back, both internally and externally. I just felt too weak to take it all on, and the thought of trying to grow in that environment terrified me. I just knew my mental and emotional state couldn’t withstand the temptation to self sabotage at every turn in order to escape the mess I was in.
I am so much more than glad that these are all feelings of the past, and somehow in such a short time I feel ready to go back and get to work! I have a dream, a great, huge, lifelong dream that I’m ready to go out and get! I’m ready to be close to my family and friends again, and spend my time creating memories when I can and building the life I desire until it becomes mine! It feels good to see dreams clearly again, ones that aren’t locked in the past or connected to lost things. So come September 2021 this girl is moving back my home region! It’s time to built this life of mine <3
I’m still in the early stages of my healing journey, but I know and I trust that I will never stray from taking care of, loving, and BEING TRUE to myself this way ever again. Confronting all that is unhealed and loving myself with grace through the hard times is opening my eyes and mending my heart in areas I’ve needed for decades. The work has only begun, within and with out! And I hope sooner rather than later, that art will become a big part of my journey once again.
I thought I would just give a little update, pop in and say hi. I’m not quite sure how many this reaches anymore, or if any eyes still make their way here, but if you do find and read this I just want to say- Thank you. Thank you for sticking with me, however long you’ve been along on this life journey with me. Whether you are here because of my artwork, here as a friend, family member, whatever it is. Without you these words just drift off into the ether, my art is lonely without admirers, and this heart is less full without souls to share this experience of living with. So from deep down in this soul, I appreciate you, and hope there is something I can offer of value to you by sharing and bearing my soul to you all.
I love you <3
Mikayla Castillo
