Reconnecting With an Old Friend…
Hi there! Thank you so much for returning to read my rambles! You must know how much I appreciate your time and interest. I hope over time you’ll notice an improvement in my writing, because I’m hoping to notice a difference as well! Writing isn’t something I spend any time on these days, but it didn’t used to be that way. I decided this week, I would reflect on how I used to use this medium as a daily therapy. Looking back, I could have never imagined that I would go this long without it. After all these years, it’s time to remember the love I once had for orchestrating words.
What feels so familiar, in reality looks like much, much longer ago. In this moment I’m feeling like I stepped into a portal, right to the moments that felt just like this one. Moments where I am lost in the translation of the experience, in creating the world from my mindset, and building an understanding from my sights. I still harbor a collection of journals. Each of the pages filled with the depictions of adolescence- wild journeys, innocent infatuations, and the ever abundant lessons learned. Writing had a hold on me from the get go. I guess I just really like stories; told both directly and indirectly. It was the most definite way I felt heard.
Early on in school, writing projects became points of high praise. Projects surrounding personal interests were my favorite, as these descriptive words came so easily to me. I loved to gush over my sources of inspiration, my favorite topics were always the people who showcased great strength and love. I always have so much to say, and I relished in embellishing on the beauty I could detail about one’s soul. Eventually, writing about assigned random subjects, seemed like a great chance to exercise. Words were fun to work with, and quickly became a sure way to express my way through the changes life brought. I remember, I was in middle school when writing became my truest and best friend. It was in the 7th grade that my language arts teacher would end up being the fire that would forge me. Strict, loud, and dead serious- he told me in plain words what he expected to see in my work, and demanded it be nothing less. Once he saw the potential in me, he would push me to the limit, until my laziness was no longer an option. He knew there were things within me that would help my writing flourish, and helped to show me that writing about these things within would in turn, help me flourish. I lucked out my freshman year, and had this teacher again for my English class, by this point, I was totally in love with writing. The entries in my journals would become more vivid and brilliantly enhanced, and I would very soon discover poetry.
Poetry was perfect medicine. Growing up came with its traumas and misunderstandings, and often times few positive outlets were available to me. Feeling like an outsider felt pretty normal, and retreating to my journal in any moment I had to spare, was a constant. Words on paper, meant that they had been evicted from my psyche, and there would be room for future clarity. Creating poems and short stories, gave me perspective. More importantly, gave me the ability to take my emotions and my experiences mold them together, and chisel them into something I could find beautiful. Metaphors shattered my loneliness and made my troubles feel relatable. Words gave me my world back, put the control in my hands, and encouraged me to release all I had internalized. I carried a journal everywhere I went for many years as a teenager, and even took to Myspace at times, using the blog feature to share some ideas, or previously written material. I had, at one time, become quite comfortable with putting my feelings and stories into a format that made me feel emboldened to open up for public eyes. It was a liberating feeling, and in a lot of ways, it connected me to a great bunch of people I still know today. I’m thankful for the environment Myspace embodied, I engaged with a lot of creative minds, and begin to grow the confidence necessary to be open with my own creations. I had been heard, and found. So many people, who would impact my personal and spiritual growth, would soon flood my world. I was starting to come into my own existence, feeling at ease in being me.
In 2006, everything in my life was in total free fall, the list of losses just continued to stack up, and I was only 17 at the time. I felt lost literally everyday, and I begin to spiral emotionally. I spent a lot of time numbing reality and distracting myself from the pain that existed in my day to day. The foundation had long been crumbling and things wouldn’t get any better. Later that same year, my world yet again, would shift. Shortly after I would take my hiatus from all written expression. The death of a dear, young soul would leave my words stranded, stuck in a maze of confusion that only deepened the emptiness left in the absence. Writing became a prison, my thoughts begin to atrophy, and my words ran the same circles again and again. I was no longer painting the world I wanted to heal in, I just spun out in the true reality and writing became dizzying. I would never heal this way, and life had become inescapable. I had to give up writing in all forms, it was the only way to slow the insanity, and attempt to reconnect to the real world. So, I quit, cold turkey. No more journaling, no short stories, or letters- nada, however. Annually, I would write a collection of thoughts, almost as a mile marker on this healing journey, to see where I had managed to land. Thankfully, I realize that it has led me back to this place, a place where I still need writing. It’s crazy to retrace, and acknowledge that I spent so long away from it, but I already feel right back where I belong. Considering where the world has found itself in 2020, it’s no surprise to find that I have a lot of thoughts and feelings…. And they need to be released!
So, here we are, and I’m glad to be here with you ? I have high hopes for reestablishing my love for writing, and doing so in a matter that makes this blog an interesting adventure for you out there who follow. I intend to commit to rekindling this relationship, even thru the growing pains hahaha. I hope you plan to stick around!
I just want to say thank you (again), and honestly I don’t see myself making a single entry without doing so… so deal with it ?
I wish you, health, happiness, and sanity. I’ll have a new collection of words for you, same time next Thursday.
I love you
? Miki Len
ps. Don’t forget to Follow this blog or subscribe using your email. I’ll be planning something in the future, and you might not want to miss out ?
