Two Sides of the Same Coin- Heads

Hi everyone, happy blog day 🙂 I’m hoping all is well out there <3

Getting back in tune with this flow and writing about the things pressuring my mind has me feeling pretty good overall. The non-stop supply of havoc has been enough to turn one’s brain to complete mush. Seems like it was a great time to pick up blogging haha. Especially considering I have way more thoughts than I even know what to do with, the subject matter is a constant flow. May as well make use of the madness.

In last week’s entry I briefly mentioned the subject I’ll be posting about today. Whenever I lay out the habits I’ve been working to improve, I’m reminded of the frequent mental back and forth that tends to eventually bring most of my progress to a halt. I’ve been borderline in denial about my relationship with Manic Depression for a large portion of my life, and recently I’ve been forced to confront the truth and accept my role in preservation and healing. Since there are pretty different experiences on each side of the polarities I’ll split them up to speak about each individually. I’ll begin with-Mania.

Most of my growing up I struggled a lot through mental and emotional issues, though at the time depression seemed to be the most glaringly obvious of my problems. The highs that accompanied the super lows weren’t really noticed until I was in my mid 20’s, when reflecting I was able to see the undeniable ebb and flow relationship between the two. Seeing the past and acknowledging the patterns, really opened my eyes. By nature, my mind is rather active, which oftentimes contributes to my creative curiosity and the vast selection of subjects that captivate my interest. On the flip-side, it would be this same characteristic that would be the key factor in full blown panic attacks and inescapable moments, drowning in intrusive thoughts. Life handed me a lot of things to think about, and not really much simple or light-hearted kind of stuff either. Survival instinct often kicked in and I’d over-analyze the entire world around me. Most times overthinking to the point of exhaustion in an insane attempt to make some sort of sense of everything. I eventually bought into being told that I was just emotional/dramatic.

The peaks weren’t always riddled with stress-induced panic and rapid trains of thought flying off the rails. There are many instances that this overactive imagination has served me quite well. When I’m hit with a rush of drive and energy I get lost in whatever creative process I’ve taken on, totally consumed. The mania provides an insatiable need to manifest any idea my mind is fixated on, and usually when I indulge I’m seldom disappointed.  Many of my episodes have resulted in studying a new skill, deep cleaning/rearranging an entire living space, cooking up random cravings, and sometimes a mass completion of art that had long been in progress. When it consumes me, I can appreciate all that can come from the energy if it is spent productively. Overall the feeling is pretty great, maybe that’s why it’s called a “high”… makes sense. All I know is reaching any accomplishments is elating, and it quickly leaves me wanting to do more and more and more!!

Daydreaming and brainstorming also take place on the upside of this pendulum swing, but the ideas can be slippery at times because of the rate they come and go. It’s dizzying. I’ve committed to writing myself notes so I won’t forget the good stuff, because I know I will for sure (and I’m positive I already have). I’ve had zero success bouncing around from one idea to the next in real-time, this just leaves me with stacks of half-finished or barely started projects (which also leaves me with an art room that resembles a disaster zone). Funneling through my notes and deciphering them is another thing, but I have made use of some of the ideas. In time I’ll have that process sorted out too. Forcing myself to think long term and see the greater picture has given me the ability to outline and make the plans that lead to completing my goals… but man, the focus is tough to dial into sometimes. Ironically enough, it’s this messy affliction that gives me a broad interest and a bandwidth to move between more than one project at a time. I feel like this has to be honed in, but kept no doubt. I aspire to master a juggling act between the things I enjoy and the things I seek to learn. I want to expand my mind as much as it desires to, but it will take structuring my time and work better to obtain the best results. I enjoy trying on many hats, a “Jack of Trades” sort of, and I would love nothing more than to try on more in the future. 

It’s truthful to say that I do have something to gain from this high swing, and I’m completely aware of what a strange fact that is. However the symptoms of mania usually continue to increase stress and anxiety until it ultimately leads straight to an instant drop into depression. It’s very normal for me to be particular (high strung with a touch of OCD some might say), socially awkward, and easily over stimulated. This makes it hard to endure long exposure to crowded places, over the top personalities, and being put on the spot. If I’m comfortable, I’m typically overly friendly, chatty, and highly excitable… which makes me loads of fun lmao. I’ve accepted as well as I can that I don’t prefer a lot of the activities and personality types most folks like, (but one-on-one connections with intellectual/eccentric souls, and lookout wormhole, here we come!) I don’t necessarily detest this about myself either at least not entirely, it does encourage my want/need to be alone. It also tends to make it harder to want to go out and I know that affects my work and growth as an artist. I used to want only my art to go public, and not me, I liked the thought of hiding in the shadows. Thankfully I’m still confused about my feeling on this, and I know it would be well worth the time and effort to work on my social skills and to get more comfortable being around people and in the public eye. It’s clear that I’ve got quite the wild party goin on in my head, and I’m still working my way through it deciding who needs to be kicked out. I’m weighing out my options and keeping what will suit my future. We shall see how this evolves. 

My time and effort has been aimed toward the not so recent learning curve of balancing. Indulgence is tough to refrain from when caught in the waves of excitement, but eventually it all boils down to worry, exhaustion, and the inevitable funk that is always to follow. During my elevated state I do work to encourage the imprint of healthier habits and focus on improving my mental state and wellness. More lucid moments have begun to find me compared to previously, and in those moments I mindfully work to take better care of myself. Improvements are starting to show, only bit by bit for now, but I’m thrilled there are improvements nonetheless. I feel gratitude, and so validated when I can notice the difference. I hope to build on that even plain, where I’m not tilted to either side but existing between the two extremes.

I think it’s fair to say that I’ve carried on long enough for today, there seems to be a feeling that comes along with the ending of a ramble sesh, and I’m getting that feeling. I hope these words carry some value, and if you’re in this boat just remember you are not alone <3 Things 100% can get better. A little effort each day, really goes a long way. Take care of yourself, avoid beating yourself up, forgive yourself for down days, and give yourself some self-love/pampering as much as possible <3 It can feel like hard work at times, ( and it most definitely is) but anything truly worth it doesn’t come easily, and the rewards are literally life changing. Sending out so much love, hope, and health. 

Until Next Week 

<3

Miki Len