Unearthing

Hello friends! Hoping everyone is well! In case I haven’t mentioned it enough, I just want to start this entry with saying how thankful I am for the eyes who become my ears for these long winded rants. It never ceases to amaze me the chats I have over entries I’ve made, I’m always surprised and so very appreciative that those around me take the time. So I’ll say again and certainly not for the last time, thank you so much for lending me your time and attention. This form of expression and reaching out has been beneficial to me in many ways, and saying “thanks” never feels like enough. 

I’ve had an experience recently that feels like it’s beginning to bring me full circle from ground zero of my latest place of demolition and reconstruction. No secret that my life has gone through a major rehauling and is hardly recognizable from the previous years. I’m hardly recognizable as well, and I’m quite proud of that fact. It’s taken a substantial amount of work to be where I am at this moment, and in the last month I’ve been witnessing the flowers all around me blooming from those seeds I’d planted. 

A book I’d been listening to encouraged me to get some additional self care in the form of pampering and mentioned massage as an example. I hadn’t had a good massage in quite some time, but was very much familiar with the benefits of the experience. I was looking forward to the relaxation and the opportunity to be offered healing in the form of touch. My Mama She and I attended the appointments together in a small town nearby. This massage therapist runs a beautiful business out of her home all on her own and so we were to receive work one at a time. Mama She went first 🙂 I was seated in this fancy massage chair that changed! my! life! But I digress, while I sat and waited for my turn, an email came in regarding the divorce. I was instantly flooded with anxiety and my heart began to race, I was mildly upset with myself for even having my phone on me. So I put the phone away from me without responding to the email, but that thought would remain in the back of my head and with it many other thoughts, memories and such would follow. 

It was my turn, and I waited beneath the blankets attempting to let the native flutes clear the overwhelming thoughts from my mind. The therapist came in and began her work. She started with a prayer of healing for the wounds unseen, and assured me that I was safe, protected, and loved in this place. I felt a lump in my throat as she worked delicately over my face and into my scalp, emotions were very much stirring within me and I just didn’t know if I could hold back. This practitioner was quick to comfort me by telling me that I didn’t have to hold back and that everything could be washed away here. Once those words processed through, my eyes would turn to and remain streams throughout the duration of the massage. They poured, and in that hour I felt it all, everything… and I got to release it all from me. I was gifted with intentional spiritual work along with the body work. She prayed and spoke affirmations over me while also making curiously accurate observations of the energy that was radiating from me. I decided to open up about the email, and spoke quite vaguely about my recent journey. We agreed these things were surfacing out of necessity, and that it was divine intervention that the email would arrive when it did. With each stroke she pushed through the years worth of stagnant toxic energy, and brought in fresh flowing energy to my spirit and vessel. 

She was able to dig much deeper than just the past 9 years, and gave much room for the expulsion of these traumatic wounds. I really was safe there at that moment. I felt the rush of the release and the sudden calming of the waters. By the time she was finished, my eyes had dried up and I took the greatest stretch I’ve felt in a long long time, shaking off the remaining tired energy on the surface. I truly felt brand new, brought to the surface, and cleared of so much weight. I thanked her repeatedly and wholeheartedly appreciated that our paths had met, for I had needed this style of care and work for an incredibly long time. She gave me a long hug just before we left, and encouraged me to sit in my power and to harness it. Her words struck a chord, I could feel it internally, a flame lit within. In the last month my flame had been found, perfectly rekindled without my realizing, and this encounter had fanned it to a beaming flume. Little by little I have been feeling more and more like myself, or the person that I desire to be while honoring the things I know deep down are the root of my being. As I walked out of her house I felt found, polished, and proudly displayed. 

It’s said we don’t realize how we lose ourselves, until we’ve already become completely disconnected from who we really are. I can absolutely attest to this being true. All these years I thought of myself through the eyes of someone else. I desired to grow into their mold and be someone they were pleased with and quick to love with ease. The signs of how this made me miserable were everywhere, but they were signs I wasn’t willing to see or admit to seeing. I didn’t love myself, because I didn’t feel genuinely loved or appreciated as I was. So I sought out to change myself, from being who I truly was to being someone else, someone I liked even less.  When I stopped loving myself I stopped caring for myself. I had developed some of the worst habits I’d ever had in my life, and redeveloped others I had long tapered off of. I’m pretty positive I was quite unlikeable, and felt what I believed to be confirmation of this often. This is where I sank further than I had gone before into depression and developed the crippling anxiety. I wasn’t myself, and looking back to that time I can’t believe I allowed myself to stay in that slump for as long as I did. I just let myself continue to decompose and only continued to hate and punish myself for it more and more with the passing days. I didn’t know this person, I wasn’t known to take the kicks lying down, and I certainly wasn’t known for not loving myself. The euphoria I feel leaving that all behind me is the reward I have reaped by taking that look in the mirror and pushing through all the doubt and negative self talk. 

I get to love myself now, and remember the reasons why I am deserving of that love, and how I have always been deserving of that love. I’ve also learned that I should be the first one to give that kind of love to myself. The tough part still tends to be allowing myself to have that love, and to offer it freely, but I am a work in progress after all and it seems to be a necessity that I need a frequent reminder. Which is okay too, habits take time to form both the good and the bad, and the person that I am now has established the ability to maintain a lot more patience and is getting better at consistency. The perfect recipe.

I guess that about sums up my thought dump for this entry. Sending much love out to yous <3 Thank you again for reading. And don’t forget to give yourself that love you desire and deserve, no one knows how to love you better than you <3 So let yourself have it!

Until Next Time

<3 Miki Len

Ps. I didn’t know what photos to use with the post. So I chose some pretty nature pics I took mostly in Austin TX. I felt their theme fit the title well 🙂